THIS STORY IS EATING MY BRAIN

Ok, that's a little melodramatic, maybe, but really, it's giving me some serious grief. Enough that I just used giving grief as an actual phrase, where people can read it. I don't know what it is. The ideas are there, the emotions are there, even the carefully detailed outline of what should happen next is there. What's missing is the words. They just. won't. flow.

I'm over 7000 words behind where I should be, and in two hours, I'm going to bed. Usually, a preset bedtime during NaNoWriMo would be a completely ludicrous concept, but I only slept for four hours this morning (not at all last night), and I'd like to get up nice and early for chattiness (♥).

So two hours to write at least 1053 words (this will bring me to 35,000), and I'm blogging... and I'm not even blogging about what I want to be blogging about, because I would much rather be making this post a series of little hearts and overly-girly expressions of happiness and excitement.

1 hour and 45 minutes, now. This isn't helping. Terrible as it is to say, I wish I'd gone to the liquor store while I was out today. I think a shot of anything would get this proplem sorted in a jiffy.

Happy in the Club with a Bottle of Red Wine

So I redid my budget again tonight. This time, instead of trying to figure out what I can afford to put aside from each paycheque, then working out how many weeks it will take me to reach my desired amount, I did it backwards. I worked out how much money I need and when I want to have it by, and figured out how much I need to save per cheque to make that happen. And honestly, even though I'll be putting aside nearly twice as much from each paycheque, I'm way happier with these numbers. Why? Because these numbers mean that I can do what I want to do. They represent one part of a plan on its way to completion. Also, if I don`t find a second job, I`m still going to be okay. That`s a huge load off my mind.

There is no way I can put what I am feeling right now into words, so I won`t try. Suffice it to say that it`s a combination of more emotional states than I can count, the strongest two being extreme happiness and severe impatience.

So, on to smaller issues. 6 days left of NaNoWriMo and I am a lot of words behind. A lot. I think probably close to 10,000. I have two days off coming up, though, and I plan to spend them novelling the hell out of myself. That sounds kind of dirty... yeah, there is definitely something not right there. Anywho.

eleven eleven wish, which was supposed to be kind of cute and cuddly and bubblegumish, is becoming anything but. While I was waiting for my laundry today, I wrote a scene where [SPOILER] someone gets shot in the head at point-blank range. So, yeah. Add to that suicide attempts, drinking problems, pedophiles and life-destroying accusations and my feel-good novel of fun has turned into something quite sinister. Not that I mind. I think it will be a lot more meaningful this way, and I`m doing my best to keep all the cute&fluffy that I had originally planned, even if it is getting a little overwhelmed by the other stuff.

Ok, back to the grindstone. None of my budgeting is going to do me much good if I get fired for not doing my job.

I = :) x ∞

There are two things I could be doing right now. I should either be working on my NaNoWriMo story, which I'm nearly 2,000 words behind on, or I should be doing my paperwork for the night audit. Instead I'm drinking a can of tooth-disolving black cherry pop which has never even seen a cherry and eating a sandwhich. And thinking.

Mostly I'm thinking about how I'd love for a big pile of money to magically fall into my lap, so that I could avoid the upcoming months of waiting and skip right to the bit where I'm where I want to be (and, of course, with whom :)

Unrealted: Road to Nowhere just came on the radio. Seriously, never
changing this station. PS, does this song remind anyone else of the
starting sequence of the Beetlejuice cartoon, or is that just me?

I'm also thinking about how ridiculously lucky I am and praying that my karma is good enough that I'll keep being this lucky. I'm not usually one for praying, because I don`t know what I`m praying to, but for this, anything I can do is worth it. Besides, something clearly has my back :)

I finally did my budget... erm, either today, yesterday or the day before. Days get a little messed when you work nights. For example, it`s already tomorrow. Anyway, I did my budget for Xmas and the foreseeable months. It doesn`t look bad, but it doesn`t look as good as I`d like. I`m hoping I can find a second job soon. It`s so stupid, though; when I was looking for a full-time job, all I could find was part-time. Now I`m looking for something part time and everyone wants forty hours a week (everyone being the five places in town that are actually hiring). I`ll find something, I`m sure. Plus, now that I have Modo (new computer), I can start trolling Craigslist for design and layout work. Must be something there.

Ok, seriously, I need to work on this book and work on my work. It`s hard, though, when my mind is already thousands of miles away, months into the future. Ugh. Focus, Athena. Focus.

Oop. ooOoop.

Ok, so time for another post.



My tooth still bloody hurts. I think it's getting better, but I'm not going to be able to put off going to the dentist until January, when my benefits kick in. To give you an idea how much this hurts: I went to a doctor for the first time in twelve years to get it looked at. I honestly woke up one morning (feeling vomity and feverish) thinking I might die. So yeah, in pain.



I'm working PM at the moment. Back to night audit tomorrow and for the rest of the week (?) and then I think they're switching me back to days. I honestly woudln't mind, except that if I go back on days that renders my night audit training kind of useless, which I also wouldn't care about, if it hadn't happened at a time when I had a way better way to be spending my nights. I don't care how I spend my nights now, since I don't have anything going on and I can't seem to sleep anyway, but it would have been nice if I could have spent the past few weeks with my nights free. Oh well. My own damn fault.



I'm at 16,000+ words for NaNoWriMo, which I'm pretty pleased about. I've mostly been writing at night, while I'm at work, but I also got a bunch done today, while I was waiting for my laundry.



I'm sitting here, watching the snow, and going a little spacey. Kevin Spacey? you might ask. Well, no. Just buggy, like I can't quite decide what my emotions are, but I could definitely use some more pain killers and maybe a shot of something to help me sleep. Don't worry, I understand that these things don't go together. And since I have to take the antibiotics and the pain killers, the booze will have to be forgone.

Also, I have a tag sninpo. I have no idea what that means, but I'm using it, to see if I can find out. Yeah. Spacey. I'm cutting this off here.

Remember, Remember

Normally, I have a tradition of watching V for Vendetta today, but all my movies are back in Ontario, and I don't have a working TV anyway. So...

My tooth is still killing me. Saw a doctor and got some antibiotics, which I think are helping (*knock on wood*), because I can actually kind of swallow now. I still need to go to a dentist, but I have no idea how I'm going to afford that, since my benefits don't kick in until January or something like that. I need this tooth gone now.

Got my bathroom, hallway and the other bedroom cleaned today (yesterday, I guess, since it's four in the morning). I suppose I should be tackling the kitchen to fight off my insomnia, but I thought I would come and sit in the loby of my hotel and blog instead.

NaNo's still going well, even though I didn't right much yesterday. I don't know where my word count is, but it's upwards of 13,000.

Rhiannon's coming in a few days! And she's bringing my new computer! I'm uber excited about this, as you may have guessed from the excessive use of exclamation marks. We are going to party it up - or at least hang out and go hiking and watch movies and stuff. And I'll have a computer. When I have more dollars, I'll get Mephie fixed, but in the meantime the netbook is going to be a perfect size for carting around. I'm looking forward to that.

Ugh. It's ten after four. I really should go home and try to get some sleep. Really, I should. Yesterday morning made me smile and that hasn't worn off yet.

(honey) Bunches of Stuff (oats?)

My tooth is effing killing me. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow to beg them to do something about it. Pull it. Give me morphine. Anything. I've swallowed a ton of this oragel stuff, and it's starting to give me cramps. Plus, I'm pretty sure my kidneys are going to shut down if I take any more Tylenol. I've been waking up with a fever the past few days... I had hoped it was because of flu or something, but now I just think my tooth is infected.

What else? It's ten to four, so I should probably actually start working on the night audit. I've been writing. I'm at 11212 words for NaNoWriMo now, which is pretty good, considering that it's only the third and it's not even four am. I'm past the neccessary word count for day six. :) This story is turning out to be a lot darker, a lot less happy-go-lucky fluffy, than I originally planned. Also, if anyone's wondering, when you're sick, in pain, missing someone more than you thought humanly possible and your job doesn't let you see the sun, researching actual suicide notes online then going home and listening to Leona Lewis is a really, really dumb idea. Just sayin'.

I cleaned my room today. It took a lot of hours and my kitchen and the other room in my apartment (I picked the lock because the temp. control is in there and I was melting) are still piled with clothes and random junk, but I'm slowly sorting through it. My room looks pretty good, actually. A random fun fact: I have a really nice queen bed with lots of fluffy blankets and a synthetic down comforter and three pillows. I actually made my bed today - and I am sleeping on my smelly, second (third, fourth?)-hand love seat, with the Freddy Krugar blanket (just a blanket that someone hacked up for reasons unknown). Gah. My bed is just too big, now that I've taken the piles of clothes away.

OK. Actual work time. Maybe. In a minute.

I'm Going Crazy.

No, that's it. I am.