Books and Other Stuff

In a couple of minutes, I'll have to start my night audit, but until that happens...

I made an account on LibraryThing tonight and merrily went about cataloguing all the books in my library - only to discover that I can't remember what books I own. At least not all of them. The other thing I discovered is that I own a lot of Heinlein, more than any other author. It's weird because as much as I like his work, he's maybe my second or third favourite author. Also, I'm not a huge science fiction fan in general.

This has got me thinking about my travel plans and my mini library, and how, for the time being, I will have to pack it up and store it - which isn't a huge deal; it's just that I have to find somewhere to store it, where it will be safe from water and extreme temperatures and my Dad*. My parents have been storing so much of my stuff for so long, I hate to ask them to hold onto anything, but if I follow my plan of reducing my possessions to 6 Rubbermaid containers, maybe they won't mind so much.

I still haven't made a list of the stories I want to focus on. I need to do that ASAP, because until I do, I'm just going to be writing little bits and pieces of everything and not getting anything done. Ugh.

I have a million lists to write (and more importantly, execute) and I have no idea where to start. I'm too bloody excited to focus on anything for more than a few minutes and it seems like whenever I say to myself "You're going to do it right now", something else comes up. IE: I could start making lists at this very moment, and would be making myself, but I have to start my paperwork for the night audit. I'm not complaining, exactly. I'm too happy to complain about much of anything - I'm more just thinking out loud (there needs to be a term for when you're doing this with text. Thinking out text or typing out loud or something).

Anyway, night audit time. Then, post night audit, list making time.

*My Dad loves to read, but he and I have a different philosophy on the value of books. He seems to think that their only value is in being read, so as long as you can continue to read them, everything's good. I agree that books are meant to be read, but I think when they're not being read, they should be on a shelf somewhere, rather than propped open on a nightstand, with a the front cover bent back in the bathroom or on the floor beside the bed.

A Happy Christmas to You

This picture creeps me out for a few reasons, not the least of which being that the birds in it seem to each have four legs. I thought it was fitting for the last in my miniseries of Creepy Holiday Art from Yesteryear.

Anywhom, MERRY CHRISTMAS! I woke up at 5:30 in the morning, bursting with excitement, and, because I couldn't wait any more, opened my stocking. My cousin texted my sister and I at twenty to seven, so since Rhiannon was awake anyway after that, we opened our presents while it was still dark out. I texted out my Merry Xmas message, figuring that it would be late enough in Ontario - and not remembering that not everyone I know is in that time zone. I think I woke a few people up.

Now I'm crazy tired and don't really want to bake pies, but want to eat pies later.

I got a lot of cool stuff, which I want to list, and might, when I am not so ass-tired.

I finished Siddhartha on the 23rd and loved it.

Now I'm going to cut this short, because I work tonight and need to make pies... and really want to sleep. A lot.

Another Post Called :)

My surprise came today! Actually, I'm going to keep this post fairly short because my surprise was a book* and I'd like to get back to reading it.

It came wrapped in wonderful book-covered paper, with a wonderful note from a wonderful man. I may overdose on wonderful by the end of the day :)

The book is Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha. The simplest way I can describe it is to say it's about the title character's quest for enlightenment/Nirvana/inner peace - but really, you should read it for yourself, because I can't really do it justice. Anyway, I'm thoroughly enjoying it.

I'm a little under half-way done and, as I've said, would like to get back to reading it, so this is where I cut my post short. My advice, dear reader, is, if you haven't already, go and track down a copy and start reading it as soon as possible.

Also, I read one of those lists that they put up on MSN occasionally a few days ago. This one was What Not to Buy Your Man for Christmas or something equally lame, and it recommended against giving books as gifts. Such a load of crap. I think books are among the best gifts a person can get - this one especially.

*I've been in suspense about this surprise for what seems like ever. My one and only guess about what it could possibly be was this book. So glad I was right.

Merry Xmas Continued

I remembered what I was going to say. I could have just added it to the bottom of my other Xmas post, but I decided to do a a new one, just so I could put up this picture of the Tree Child playing keep away with one of Jareth's magic crystals. At least, I think that's what's going on in this picture. That's it, executive decision: all blog posts between now and Christmas will feature a frightening and/or confusing piece of public domain holiday art.

So, what I remembered: my laptop went effing insane today. It was going ridiculously slow this morning, so before I turned in for the day, I started running a whole computer scan. When I woke up, it was going ridiculously ridiculously slow and it took me about 15 minutes to check my email. The scan was still running, so I disconnected from the interwebz and let it run. It was still running after Rhiannon and I had watched Pride and Prejudice, so I left it running and went back to sleep. Then I was woken up by strange flashing light from behind me, and I rolled over to see Modo's screen flashing black and then white, but with the menu bar at the bottom looking totally normal. No idea WTF is going on there, but I had to leave for work, so I couldn't really stick around to investigate. I really don't want him to be broken. I have horrible luck with laptops (one stolen, one broken), Cameras (one broken, fixed and then stolen, one really effing broken) and all things technological, so I'm afraid he might just be dead. Erg.

In other news, it's after 4 and I haven't started my night audit. I should get on that. I don't think I'm going snowboarding today. Blah.

Merry Xmas!

I'm too lazy to find another public domain Xmas picture, so I'm reusing this terrifying snowman that I dug up for my Devereaux Court Christmas post. Now that I'm thinking about it, though, he kind of clashes with my blog. Oh well.

I know it's officially over, but happy Solstice anyway. Also, Merry Christmas (or whatever winter holiday you celebrate) and Happy New Year.

I'm supposed to be going snowboarding tomorrow, but considering I'm ass-tired, kind of sick and have sore ankles, and I won't be able to sleep between now and then, I may well skip it. I don't know. I'm undecided.

We have to listen to Christmas music at work. If we change the station, we get fired. I may kill someone.

I didn't make it to the post office today to check for my surprise :( I woke up way later than I intended to, after the post office was closed. If I snowboard tomorrow, I won't be able to go until Thursday. Blah.

I ordered a camera last night and my credit card-bank card hybrid was a bag of dicks, so the payment hasn't gone through yet, so they haven't shipped it yet, so I won't be getting it before Christmas, which sucks, but isn't a huge deal. Anyway, it's cute and pink. I would put a picture, but my browser is being a bag of dicks as well.

There were other Christmasy things I wanted to mention, but I don't remember what they are, so I guess this will be the end of my xmas post. If I think of anything else, I'll tack it onto the bottom.

:)

Possibly this is my 800th post titled :) I blame it on the fact that I can't stop smiling. Honestly, I look through old blog entries, mentioning how I just feel off or through my old notebooks, where, unconsciously, I've written things like I hate my life and I actually can't remember feeling that way. I know I did. I remember the events or the existence of the emotions, but the feelings are completely gone. Right now, I'm smiling and it seems like I always have been.

Christmas is coming and I'm not going home for the first time in my life - but I'm actually not too upset about it. I'll hang out with Spooey, work, probably have a holiday drink. Nothing terribly exciting, just a nice, quiet Christmas.

(It's 2:00am, so I'm sending good wishes for good luck.)

I've started working on another new story. I really like the idea of this one a lot, but I feel guilty when I work on it, because really, I should be: finishing Caution and Creep, editing Caution and Creep, editing Emmeline, writing Little 15, editing Sunshine, writing 200 Pages, writing The Things That Aren't, writing Sugar Dust, rewriting Taken, rewriting The Inn at Night or working on a million other stories that are in Title Limbo at the moment. But the new one has Death in (the character), and I like it. Maybe I should make a list, pick 5 and only work on them, until I'm done. Caution and Creep has got to be up there... I've had readers waiting for over 2 years.

I had pizza today. Bad idea.

Ok, it's ten after two, so I'mna make me some hot chocolate and start the night audit.

Have a wonderful day, people.

Black Nail Polish

I really should have a tag for nail polish, since so many of my posts lately seem to be brought on by waiting for it to dry. Today it's black. I remember when black nail polish was completely badass, something only skids (Skids were what happened twenty years after Punks, ten years before Goths, fifteen before Emo kids) wore. Now, it's more Hmm, that's not as sparkly as your other nail polish. Anyway, I like it.

I've been at work for a little over an hour, just kind of hanging out, working on yet another story idea. I really ought to finish the millions of stories I've started, and I likely will finish at least a few before this one goes anywhere - I'm mostly just trying to get down everything that's in my brain, then it will stay in my lovely notebook until, one day when I'm going through said notebook, I go, "hmm. That was going to be a story."

I need to get containers and pack up all of my stuff that's at my parents' house, and it's just occuring to me now that one whole container will probably have to be devoted to my notebooks. I have a ridiculous number, upwards of fifty, and I don't see myself wanting to part with any of them - plus, most of them are full of story ideas and the very beginnings of some of my stories (which reminds me, I need to find the pic that sparked Aigaion Girl), and I don't want to lose those. Ugh. I'm such a packrat sometimes.

I'm sort of zoning out mid-blog, so maybe I'll cut this short. I may come back to it later, though; I still have another hand to paint.

Good Morning!

I'm at work and really should be working, but instead I'm blogging and waiting for my fingernails to dry.

I spent the first chunk of my shift going over the eight or so pages of 200 Pages that I've completed. Honestly, if I wasn't so burnt out from eleven eleven wish, I think I could finish it in a couple of night shifts - certainly within a month, because unlike eleven eleven, I can just produce word vomit, not edit it, and as long as I include all the necessary scenes, leave it at that - although, now that I've said that, I do feel like I should get my MC pinned down a little better -then maybe I'll get drunk and channel her for a few days.

Also, I finally finished part 12 of Little 15, which is going to end up being a novella, instead of a short story (it was revised to 'short story' after I realized that my original oneshot had taken two chapters to finish).

Caution and Creep is still looming over me and 56,000 words in, I kind of feel like a tool for shelving it. Also, I shelved it in November of 2008; I really ought to finish it. There's too much to deal with, story-wise, and it would really be stressing me out, if anything other than my desire to be elsewhere ever stressed me out these days.

I'm getting a surprise! It's coming on either Thursday or Friday (or maybe Monday, given our wonderful postal system) and I'm super excited. I want it now! But I'm getting good at acting patient; waiting for wonderful things is a big part of my day-to-day :) Also, my family sent my and my sister's xmas presents today, so we should be getting them sometime in the next week or two. We have to send their stuff tomorrow.

Clayton leaves tomorrow (well, I guess today - actually in less than three hours) for Ontario. He was supposed to leave a couple of days ago, but he decided to fly instead of bussing it, so we got him for a few more days. It sucks that he's going, but I know that I'll see him pretty soon - and he's going to be happy where he's going, and that's all I could wish for any of my friends.

Ok, my nails are dry and it's after 3:30 in the morning, so I should probably start doing some actual work now. Ooh, then two days off!

Erg.

I deleted all of my text messages today. I could cheerfully kick myself in the face for that one. I was trying to delete a conversation because when my inbox gets too full, my phone starts deleting messages. It does this with the oldest first, and there was a message I particularly wanted to hold onto. I know the date it was sent, the exact time, where I was standing when I read it and what it said. And I get that really, the physical message was a bunch of ones and zeros magnetically written on a piece of metal - but I still wanted to keep it, and I'm still a little bit (incredibly) bummed that I deleted it.

Despite that, I'm still in a fairly good mood. It's hard for me not to be. Really, other than my impatience to be elsewhere, doing elsewhat, I have very little to complain about; everything here is great, it's just that it'll be greater when I'm where I'm supposed to be.

I'm a little bored at the moment, but whatever.

THIS STORY IS EATING MY BRAIN

Ok, that's a little melodramatic, maybe, but really, it's giving me some serious grief. Enough that I just used giving grief as an actual phrase, where people can read it. I don't know what it is. The ideas are there, the emotions are there, even the carefully detailed outline of what should happen next is there. What's missing is the words. They just. won't. flow.

I'm over 7000 words behind where I should be, and in two hours, I'm going to bed. Usually, a preset bedtime during NaNoWriMo would be a completely ludicrous concept, but I only slept for four hours this morning (not at all last night), and I'd like to get up nice and early for chattiness (♥).

So two hours to write at least 1053 words (this will bring me to 35,000), and I'm blogging... and I'm not even blogging about what I want to be blogging about, because I would much rather be making this post a series of little hearts and overly-girly expressions of happiness and excitement.

1 hour and 45 minutes, now. This isn't helping. Terrible as it is to say, I wish I'd gone to the liquor store while I was out today. I think a shot of anything would get this proplem sorted in a jiffy.

Happy in the Club with a Bottle of Red Wine

So I redid my budget again tonight. This time, instead of trying to figure out what I can afford to put aside from each paycheque, then working out how many weeks it will take me to reach my desired amount, I did it backwards. I worked out how much money I need and when I want to have it by, and figured out how much I need to save per cheque to make that happen. And honestly, even though I'll be putting aside nearly twice as much from each paycheque, I'm way happier with these numbers. Why? Because these numbers mean that I can do what I want to do. They represent one part of a plan on its way to completion. Also, if I don`t find a second job, I`m still going to be okay. That`s a huge load off my mind.

There is no way I can put what I am feeling right now into words, so I won`t try. Suffice it to say that it`s a combination of more emotional states than I can count, the strongest two being extreme happiness and severe impatience.

So, on to smaller issues. 6 days left of NaNoWriMo and I am a lot of words behind. A lot. I think probably close to 10,000. I have two days off coming up, though, and I plan to spend them novelling the hell out of myself. That sounds kind of dirty... yeah, there is definitely something not right there. Anywho.

eleven eleven wish, which was supposed to be kind of cute and cuddly and bubblegumish, is becoming anything but. While I was waiting for my laundry today, I wrote a scene where [SPOILER] someone gets shot in the head at point-blank range. So, yeah. Add to that suicide attempts, drinking problems, pedophiles and life-destroying accusations and my feel-good novel of fun has turned into something quite sinister. Not that I mind. I think it will be a lot more meaningful this way, and I`m doing my best to keep all the cute&fluffy that I had originally planned, even if it is getting a little overwhelmed by the other stuff.

Ok, back to the grindstone. None of my budgeting is going to do me much good if I get fired for not doing my job.

I = :) x ∞

There are two things I could be doing right now. I should either be working on my NaNoWriMo story, which I'm nearly 2,000 words behind on, or I should be doing my paperwork for the night audit. Instead I'm drinking a can of tooth-disolving black cherry pop which has never even seen a cherry and eating a sandwhich. And thinking.

Mostly I'm thinking about how I'd love for a big pile of money to magically fall into my lap, so that I could avoid the upcoming months of waiting and skip right to the bit where I'm where I want to be (and, of course, with whom :)

Unrealted: Road to Nowhere just came on the radio. Seriously, never
changing this station. PS, does this song remind anyone else of the
starting sequence of the Beetlejuice cartoon, or is that just me?

I'm also thinking about how ridiculously lucky I am and praying that my karma is good enough that I'll keep being this lucky. I'm not usually one for praying, because I don`t know what I`m praying to, but for this, anything I can do is worth it. Besides, something clearly has my back :)

I finally did my budget... erm, either today, yesterday or the day before. Days get a little messed when you work nights. For example, it`s already tomorrow. Anyway, I did my budget for Xmas and the foreseeable months. It doesn`t look bad, but it doesn`t look as good as I`d like. I`m hoping I can find a second job soon. It`s so stupid, though; when I was looking for a full-time job, all I could find was part-time. Now I`m looking for something part time and everyone wants forty hours a week (everyone being the five places in town that are actually hiring). I`ll find something, I`m sure. Plus, now that I have Modo (new computer), I can start trolling Craigslist for design and layout work. Must be something there.

Ok, seriously, I need to work on this book and work on my work. It`s hard, though, when my mind is already thousands of miles away, months into the future. Ugh. Focus, Athena. Focus.

Oop. ooOoop.

Ok, so time for another post.



My tooth still bloody hurts. I think it's getting better, but I'm not going to be able to put off going to the dentist until January, when my benefits kick in. To give you an idea how much this hurts: I went to a doctor for the first time in twelve years to get it looked at. I honestly woke up one morning (feeling vomity and feverish) thinking I might die. So yeah, in pain.



I'm working PM at the moment. Back to night audit tomorrow and for the rest of the week (?) and then I think they're switching me back to days. I honestly woudln't mind, except that if I go back on days that renders my night audit training kind of useless, which I also wouldn't care about, if it hadn't happened at a time when I had a way better way to be spending my nights. I don't care how I spend my nights now, since I don't have anything going on and I can't seem to sleep anyway, but it would have been nice if I could have spent the past few weeks with my nights free. Oh well. My own damn fault.



I'm at 16,000+ words for NaNoWriMo, which I'm pretty pleased about. I've mostly been writing at night, while I'm at work, but I also got a bunch done today, while I was waiting for my laundry.



I'm sitting here, watching the snow, and going a little spacey. Kevin Spacey? you might ask. Well, no. Just buggy, like I can't quite decide what my emotions are, but I could definitely use some more pain killers and maybe a shot of something to help me sleep. Don't worry, I understand that these things don't go together. And since I have to take the antibiotics and the pain killers, the booze will have to be forgone.

Also, I have a tag sninpo. I have no idea what that means, but I'm using it, to see if I can find out. Yeah. Spacey. I'm cutting this off here.

Remember, Remember

Normally, I have a tradition of watching V for Vendetta today, but all my movies are back in Ontario, and I don't have a working TV anyway. So...

My tooth is still killing me. Saw a doctor and got some antibiotics, which I think are helping (*knock on wood*), because I can actually kind of swallow now. I still need to go to a dentist, but I have no idea how I'm going to afford that, since my benefits don't kick in until January or something like that. I need this tooth gone now.

Got my bathroom, hallway and the other bedroom cleaned today (yesterday, I guess, since it's four in the morning). I suppose I should be tackling the kitchen to fight off my insomnia, but I thought I would come and sit in the loby of my hotel and blog instead.

NaNo's still going well, even though I didn't right much yesterday. I don't know where my word count is, but it's upwards of 13,000.

Rhiannon's coming in a few days! And she's bringing my new computer! I'm uber excited about this, as you may have guessed from the excessive use of exclamation marks. We are going to party it up - or at least hang out and go hiking and watch movies and stuff. And I'll have a computer. When I have more dollars, I'll get Mephie fixed, but in the meantime the netbook is going to be a perfect size for carting around. I'm looking forward to that.

Ugh. It's ten after four. I really should go home and try to get some sleep. Really, I should. Yesterday morning made me smile and that hasn't worn off yet.

(honey) Bunches of Stuff (oats?)

My tooth is effing killing me. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow to beg them to do something about it. Pull it. Give me morphine. Anything. I've swallowed a ton of this oragel stuff, and it's starting to give me cramps. Plus, I'm pretty sure my kidneys are going to shut down if I take any more Tylenol. I've been waking up with a fever the past few days... I had hoped it was because of flu or something, but now I just think my tooth is infected.

What else? It's ten to four, so I should probably actually start working on the night audit. I've been writing. I'm at 11212 words for NaNoWriMo now, which is pretty good, considering that it's only the third and it's not even four am. I'm past the neccessary word count for day six. :) This story is turning out to be a lot darker, a lot less happy-go-lucky fluffy, than I originally planned. Also, if anyone's wondering, when you're sick, in pain, missing someone more than you thought humanly possible and your job doesn't let you see the sun, researching actual suicide notes online then going home and listening to Leona Lewis is a really, really dumb idea. Just sayin'.

I cleaned my room today. It took a lot of hours and my kitchen and the other room in my apartment (I picked the lock because the temp. control is in there and I was melting) are still piled with clothes and random junk, but I'm slowly sorting through it. My room looks pretty good, actually. A random fun fact: I have a really nice queen bed with lots of fluffy blankets and a synthetic down comforter and three pillows. I actually made my bed today - and I am sleeping on my smelly, second (third, fourth?)-hand love seat, with the Freddy Krugar blanket (just a blanket that someone hacked up for reasons unknown). Gah. My bed is just too big, now that I've taken the piles of clothes away.

OK. Actual work time. Maybe. In a minute.

I'm Going Crazy.

No, that's it. I am.

Best Compliment Ever from a Guest at a Hotel:

"I love your costume. Your tits look amazing."

NaNoWriMo Starts in 3...2... Learn to Count, Athena

So, I came into work today (dressed as a sexy witch), all excited and thinking happily to myself that as of midnight, I could start work on eleven eleven wish. Because, as of midnight, it would officially be November 1.

Yeah, apparently not. At least now that it's after midnight, it actually is Halloween, so my sexy witchness isn't entirely without merit. The orange hair is serving me well tonight, let me tell you.... except I have to blame my inability to know what day it is on the fact that I'm working nights and have no sense of time, because I can no longer use the blonde cop out.

I had an interesting debate with our security guy about witches and witchcraft... still trying to figure out why he has no problem with water witches, but thinks that reading Tarot is bad. Whatever, I always enjoy messing with him, just a little bit.

I didn't do the zombie walk. I could have, but I had no one to go with, and when I walked past the group, I was kind of glad I skipped it - their costumes were a lot more elaborate than I could have bothered myself with right now. I'm staving off depression, forcing myself to go out and do things, to see the sun, etc., but that's about all I can manage right now. Sexy witch was a stretch for me, solidified by the fact that I would have had to wash my uniform in order to wear it.

So, less than 24 hours to NaNoWriMo 2010. So when I come to work "tomorrow", with all the stuff I had brought for tonight (notebook, 5 pages of outline, a pen), I can really get to work. Until then, I'll have to content myself with my frozen dinner and Halloween cupcakes.

Oh, and of course the fact that I have a chat date, which makes me incredibly happy.

:)

NaNoWriMo '10

So NaNoWriMo starts in 2 days. Er, one day. Sorry; working nights effs with your brain's ability to know what day it is.

I won't have a computer until the end of next week at the earliest (probably a little later), so it looks like I'm going to be writing by hand for the first little while. This will likely slow me down a lot (since I write way slower than I type and I have no way of playing the music I need while I'm writing), but I think it should be ok. I already have the notebook I'm going to use and a 5-page step-by-step outline. I don't know what person or tense I'm going to be writing in yet, but I guess that will come to me.

(unrelated) My God, am I hungry.

When I get my new computer, the keyboard is going to be smaller than I'm used to, so that might slow me down... but, I was reading things on the NaNo site today and it seems like a lot of people write their daily quota (1667 words) in two or three hours of solid writing daily. It would be great if I could do that because now that I'm working nights, it won't be a problem for me to put that kind of time in while I'm at work. I'll be able to type some here and write some out long hand, and it will be brilliant. NaNo is going to rock this year - I can feel it.

(unrealted) My tooth is killing me.

I also have the cover art pretty well worked out in my head. (Somewhat) Unfortunately, I'll actually need to take a photo for this one, which means I'll need to acquire/borrow a good camera, then go out and buy the materials for a mini studio (wax paper, bristol board, display board, duct tape) and take it, then load it onto my new netbook and use Inkscape to finish it off. So, time consuming, but it will look awesome.

Something Quick

This post deserves a lot more space, and I might add to it later, but I'm at work right now, which means that pretty soon, I'll actually have to do work.

I dyed my hair today. I cut it and dyed it from its natural blonde to copper. I've seen two people since I did it, and 1/2 of them told me off for getting rid of the blonde. As for why I did it:

The impending badness that I've been eluding to took place and the only way I could think of to cope was to become someone else - someone not quite so connected to everything, and someone who is hopefully a more motivated person than I actually am. So, since this morning, I have been referring (in my head) to myself in the third person as New Athena. I ask myself, would New Athena wear this and I answer, Yes, yes, I think she would. New Athena doesn`t eat junk food, by the way. New Athena sets her alarm for a reasonable time and gets to work on time (still working on that one, actually ;) . New Athena is going to go to the gym every day, once she`s off her rag. (New Athena doesn`t care if people know she`s on her period. She`s a woman, and figures people can deal with it).

... and New Athena is not any less upset than she would have been had she stayed Old Athena. She misses him just as much.

A Question

I was looking online at pictures of lockets because I have a coin I'd like to put in one, and was looking for one of the appropriate age/size/style, etc. Through my browsing, a question formed in my brain, one I can't quite shake: Why the hell am I working in a hotel when I should be out designing jewellery and writing books? Worded another way: What the fuck am I doing with my life?

Don't get me wrong, my job is great. I mean, I've been here for an hour and I've spent half of that looking at pretty things online. In a few minutes, I'll do about ten minutes of work, then I'm free for another couple of hours - so I don't mean to make it sound like things are bad... but really, what am I doing? What are any of us doing? Why do we reach adulthood and discard that mantra of you can do whatever you want in favour of doing what's responsible or expected, or, hell, let's just call a spade a spade, whatever will make us the most money. I'm a capitalist to the core, but doesn't capitalism give us the inherent right to be poor - to try doing what we want to do, and to fail if we must?

Me, I've been poor my whole life. I'm sure that most of my childhood (and certainly all of my adulthood to date) were spent well below the poverty line. But that's the thing: poor is relative. If you took me and my living situation and dropped us in the backwater of some third world country, it would blow the people there away. What? Clean drinking water? Heat (usually)? Hot water (most days)? Electricity? A TV that works if you smack it really hard (or sometimes sit on top of it)? Sounds like Heaven. So I've been poor, but life hasn't been hard, not really. So why is being poor taboo? Why is there this stigma, like, Oh, you're poor? You must be kind of stupid and lazy and suffer from an inferior education? I'd love to know where that comes from. Actually, I'm not stupid, thanks. I've made some poor choices in my life, sure, but I'm not stupid. Lazy? In my day-to-day life, sure, but since that day-to-day has included working full time since I was 15, in an overall sense, by Canadian standards, I'm pretty badass - and yeah, my education wasn't great. I dropped out of university three years in. Why? Because I wanted to write. If I had to do it over, I don't know that I would do the same thing, but I stand by my decision. One book in four years isn't terribly impressive, I guess, but when I think of all the people who never finish that first novel, who are so hung up on writing a best-seller that they never write anything, I think that maybe I've done pretty well for myself, busted-ass TV and all.

I guess it's all about expectations - our own, our friends' and families' and society's. Unfortunately, I think too many people (myself included) let society's expectations shape their own. Society expects that I will fail if I don't make a plan of some kind, a template for how my life is supposed to play out - and in our little cookie-cutter land of lifetime blueprints, my life, all our lives should have gone something like this: Elementary school, high school, university, crap job, slightly better job, Kids, marginally OK job aaaaaand, plateau. Retirement. Death. Somewhere in there, if we can, if it's convenient and responsible, it wouldn't hurt for one or two of us to go backpacking in Europe, so the rest of us can live vicariously through them. This is the kind of life we're supposed to content ourselves with, be happy with even.

I don't mean this as a rant against The Man. I'm actually more angry with myself right now than with the retardedness that is our society. I don't understand how I keep convincing myself that I can be happy with a mediocre life. I can't. Maybe I can't be happy with any kind of life, who knows? But I do know that this daily grind, working week, make-ends-meet kind of bullshit isn't for me. I want out.

So rather than ranting, in an attempt to be proactive (and, unfortunately, a little bit responsible), a list of things to get, in order, with the money from the job that I won't be quitting until I have something better to go to:

1. A Netbook for writing. Should have it by the end of the first week of November.
2. A decent point-and-shoot; good SLR to follow.
3. Supplies for jewellery (specifically: damaged or incomplete antiques from EBay, pliers, various types of wire, glass beads, strong glue, lacquer, a sketchbook just for my designs, some books about various techniques for manufacturing jewellery)
4. Supplies to build a desk (I may have do do this after the netbook and before the camera; we'll see how my back holds up during NaNoWriMo.

And actually, for right now, I think that's it. Four things, and I think I'm on my way to a happier me.

The One Good Thing about Night Audit

I actually have the time and means to update my blog. What I'll update it with I don't know; my non-work life is blissfully simple right now, consisting mostly of eating, sleeping and watching British TV - and being so happy and content that it's almost painful.

I've been reading Russell Brand's My Booky Wook over the past few days and finding myself, as well as wanting to track the author down and give him a hug, so moved by it that (there isn't a that. It's just that you shouldn't have a so without one). I can't really connect with the specifically drug-abuse-related aspects of the book, but the emotions he writes about and with are crystal clear to me. I'm getting into the bits about rehab and taking life one day at a time, and feeling a bit of a tit for being actually inspired by an inspirational book, which I know is a stupid attitude to have - but I think that anyone who has been exposed to the Canadian version of inspirational literature will understand my reluctance to be moved by any inspirational literature.

I'm rambling. One of the bad things about night audit: by the time I've done all my work for the night and read a bit and completely exhausted all of the new content on roflrazzi.com and all of it's affiliates (guilty secret), I'm usually a bit too tired to actually make sense on my nothing blog posts. No matter; only 37 minutes to go, unless my relief is late again.

The day before yesterday I was here an hour later than I was supposed to be, yesterday, an hour and a half. Since I got to Jasper, I've been showing up to work hung over more than I ever have in the past - but at least I'm showing up. I usually have to run to make it to work on time, but I still manage it. Oh well. Can't have everything, and I'm resolved not to complain too much on account of wanting time off in the near future and possibly needing something to barter with.

Also, I'd love to know why I'm so effing hungry.

Whell.

It's 6:15 in the morning and I'm just killing time now, until my shift is over. They put me on night audit after just two training shifts. I hope I didn't eff anything up. The night audit thing was a stupid move on my point. I never think before I talk and it always gets me into a world of trouble.

Anywhom, life right now is pretty good. It's been wonderful, really, this past month, and if it weren't for the fact that I can see the end of the road, when the wonderfulness will disappear, I would still be spending all day every day wearing a huge, dorky grin on my face. But I can see it, and it's been a challange to stop myself from breaking down and/or having an anxiety attack every time I breathe or notice that they sky's blue or something like that.

Enough about that; I'm at work and can't afford a breakdown. Good stuff: right now, the offspring is playing on the radio and it's not being censored, and this channel is one of the ones on the official list of designated radio stations we're allowed to listen to at this time, so if guests come in and complain about the swearing, my hands are clean.

Also good, NaNoWriMo is coming up again and I've to decided to participate this year. I'm going to be completely rewriting a story I've been writing little bits of for... I think a year or more now. Don't worry; it's not cheating. Why? Because I'm going to start from scratch and literally rewrite every single word. NaNo is going to let me survive November. It's going to stop me from breaking down - and at the end of it, I'll have a story so emotional and depressing that publishing houses will be beating down my door. That's my plan, anyway. Obviously, there's nothing up there yet, but if you want to check out my story, Eleven Eleven Wish come November 1, you'll be able to find it here, as well as, probably, FictionPress.net.

I think that's it. I have way too many blogs, and I should probably update some of them.

123+

My last post was number 123. That's sort of funny, if you're lame like me and have no sense of humour.

Unfortunately, I have no way to upload photos, otherwise this entry would be swimming in scenery. I suppose it's probably a good thing that it's not; I took 250+ pictures yesterday (would have taken more but for the memory card filling up) and it's nice when my blog actually loads.

My sister is in town, so yesterday, she, myself, my older brother and our friend Clayton took my brother's cab and went a-travelling. We went to Maligne Canyon, which is amazing and scary and just awesome. We went to Medicine Lake, which is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, a perfect mix of bounty and stark emptiness. I'm a little in love with it. Then we went to Maligne lake, which is absolutely beautiful, one of the places you're 'supposed' to go, if you visit Jasper. We didn't go on the tour of the lake, due to not really having the $$, but we walked along part of the shore and enjoyed ourselves immensely. Since I had planned to go swimming in the lake (I'd say the water is about 3 degrees or less), I went, despite the warnings of friends and the shocked expressions of the fishermen, who actually stopped to watch me in my feat of insanity. That water was effing cold! It started to snow as I was climbing back onto the dock to retrieve my clothes. After we got back in the car (I was pretty sure my toes were going to fall off), we went back into town to drop Claytron off so he could go to work, then we grabbed some food and headed for The Edge of the World. It's absolutely stunning, this lookout up in the mountains with 700+ foot drops everywhere and an unparalled view of the foothills and vallies surrounding Jasper. We did some pretty stupid, dangerous things (including, in my case, hanging onto a tree with my leg so that I could lean over a waterfall and take pictures), and generally had a fantastic time. We went back to my brother's house to put the pictures from my sisters camera onto the kick ass external hard drive that she got me for my Christma-birthday present, watched some videos on YouTube, napped, then went back to my apartment and had a wonderful night of watching the beginnings of a bunch of movies, then giving up and going to bed.

And that was my fabulous yesterday.

One More Hour

Well, 58 minutes. Then I'll be done work and free for the day.

I actually quite like my job and don't usually spend my time thinking about wanting to go home... I'm just CRAZY tired right now, due to going to bed sometime after three am and waking up sporadically throughout the night, then permanently at 6:00ish. Combine that with a busy* day yesterday, and you get one tired Athena.

Now I'm basically just trying to think of things to do for the next 54 minutes, so I can go home and have the nap of a lifetime. All of the administrationy stuff is done at work, so I guess it's random cleaning tasks for me.

Oh, also, in craptastic news, my bike got stolen today. Apparently, some asshole came into my parents' house with bolt cutters and stole both my and my sister's bikes. I'm thinking this actually hasn't hit me yet, because I'm quite attached to my bike (I've had him for over 10 years) and I'm nowhere near as freaked out as I feel like I should be. Of course, there's always a chance that I'm just in too good of a mood to let it dampen my spirits ;)

Ookie I'm done

*also wonderful and awe-inspiring

:D

The end.

Yeah, I Got Nothing

I'm at work right now, for another 12 minutes.

Last night, this guy I know called me and I didn't pick up because I only have a texting plan. He texted me right after that to ask why I hadn't picked up the phone, and before I could text him back, he called again. He called 10 times and texted me twice more in the course of two hours. I am stressing over this to a spectacular degree. I know I just need to message him and tell him why this isn't appropriate, but... ugh. I'm so tired of dealing with crazy men.

Speaking of men, I have a huge crush on this guy (different guy from the one above, clearly). That's as much information as I'm putting online, but I'm seriously thinking that if he doesn't ask me out soon, I'm just going to ask him. It sounds like this big revalation, but now that I'm thinking about it, it's the obvious course of action. He makes me go Squee!

Alright, work is done. I'm going home.

Ranting... too tired to write anything useful.

First, two truly horrible things:

One: apparently, there is a push within our federal government for our tax dollars to go to Fox News North. Yep, our money, paying for the Canadian counterpart to a station which is literally the laughing stock of the news world. That sounds fantastic. Really. If I wasn't so pro free speech, I would go so far as to say that Fox News should be banned in Canada. But, since I'm a rampant Capitalist and believer in freedom of expression, I just think that if it does come into Canada, it should have to stand on its own merits (*pft!*), and not be subsidised by our government. The idea that anyone in our government is even considering this during our current economic crisis (and yes, we are still in one; anyone who says different is either lying or pitifully misinformed) is just baffling.

Two: This one is in two parts. 2A, they're apparently planning to do a remake of Back to the Future. I'm sorry, some movies can be remade, and some movies only need to be made once. Back to the Future falls into the latter category. You wouldn't remake Gone with the Wind, you don't need to remake Back to the Future. Iconic '80s movies just need to be left alone. 2B, and this is almost worse than the whole thing with fox news, almost as bad as the oil spill in the gulf, definitely the most hidious thing I've heard this week: they want to cast JUSTIN FUCKING BIEBER in the lead. OK, people, something you need to understand: Michael J. Fox is amazing. He was an icon in the '80s and is a great and very respected actor. Justin Bieber is a twelve year old girl with awful hair. THERE IS NO COMPARISON. So, while we're destroying movies from my childhood, why don't we remake Tim Burton's Batman and cast Robert Pattinson as Bruce Wane and Michael Cera as the Joker. Seriously, it would make as much sense.

Ok, I was going to call this post A Bunch o' Stuff, but I actually only ranted, so I guess I'll have to come up with something else. Peace.

Boo!

I'm at work right now, which means I really shouldn't be blogging, but it's 7:30am and the loby is dead. I feel like complete ass, so I was sitting down for a while, but there's only one chair and two front desk agents, and I feel like a tool, just sitting there, being sick.

I'm adjusting well to life in Jasper, I think. Yesterday was my first day off since I arrived, and Linky and Clayton and I rode to the beach (Jethro has still not arrived, due to lack of funds to send him, so I rode Jeremie's brother Julienn's bike (they are part of the family who Lincoln and Clayton are staying with)), which is way too big for me and stuck in a high gear. It wasn't too too bad, once I got the hang of it, until we were on the way back and I fell off the seat onto the bar at a stop sign. I nearly threw up. That was awful.

The beach was gorgeous. I would post pictures, but my camera was out of batteries, and even if it hadn't been, there's no screen on it now, so I never know if I'm taking pictures or not - or what they might be of. A new camera is definitely on my list, even though it's after a new laptop and some Dr. Scholls gel things for my shoes.

I don't think I have anything else for the moment. I'm back at work, but I think I'm going to have a nap right after today, because I am dead tired. Blah.

Ok, that's me.

So...

I got the job in Alberta; I head out tomorrow morning. I have a lot to do before then, so this is going to be a fairly short post - but I feel buggy and gross and more than a little overwhelmed, so I'm also not really sure what I should be doing with myself right now. I guess I should really just make a list of everything I need to do and get to work on it; this procrastination thing really isn't working out well.

Alberta: 1+1-1 (=1), Ontario: 0

Reason being, the people who called back and wanted to do a phone interview never called me, and I spent ALL DAY Friday waiting by the phone. I only went to the bathroom once, and I left my cell right outside the door, so I could hear it if it rang, which it didn't.

But, I did get another phone interview set up for yesterday, and that guy did call me, and either he or his boss is going to call back sometime within the next hour for interview number 2. So far, Alberta is still beating Ontario in the job finding war. They would be tied, since I did have a call back for a job here, but O had a point deducted for taking a bloody month to get back to me.

Anyway, on to more painstaking waitingness.

Alberta: 1, Ontario: 0

So, I applied for a job here in... late May or early June. I got a call back today, asking me if I was still interested. I applied yesterday for a job in Jasper. I got an email today, asking me when we could set up a phone interview. Both jobs pay about the same.

A Super-Quick Post

I've just applied for 900 (about 15) jobs in Jasper, which is all the jobs I qualify for, up to today.

I am absolutely bloody starving, and I need to find some food. We're out of almost everything.

Crap. I had another one, and I totally forgot. Oh! I know. I sold another FU, BP thing, this time, a shirt. Basically, I want to sell enough shirts that I can get my Russell Brand and Noel Fielding Shirt for myself.

I think that's it for now. Rhiannon is making pie, so I'm going to go eat some crust.

Me? Tired? Piffle!

Ok, yes, I was up until after four watching The Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2006 and True Blood and, yes, I am tired enough to be questioning whether or not those titles should be in italics, but on the whole... I forget what I was saying.

First: True Blood this week was about 8 million times better than last week. Of course, staring at a dead fly would probably be about 8 million times better than True Blood last week (except the parts with Eric).

Second: I am in love with Noel Fielding and Russell Brand - I don't know about separately, but definitely as a pair. That's why I was watching the quiz; other than them, it was kinda cute and kinda funny, but not worth two hours + of my time. They were brilliant, though, and I was so happy that they won.

I came to know about Noel Fielding because of The IT crowd, in which he stars for a few episodes. I thought at the time that his Goth make up looked more realistic than his not-Goth make up and now I know why. Then Rhiannon remembered seeing him on the quiz, and looked him up.

I'm starving, and it looks like I'm going to be riding Jethro into the office again, so I really should go. No rest for the wicked, I guess - or the people newly obsessed with random British men and vampires.

An Update, While I'm Waiting for the Dishes to Dry

...and by dry, I in fact mean cool down... and by dishes, I mean dish water.

Right. Glad we've got that sorted.

So, updateness: Jasper-planning seems to have halted a bit. The lack of immediately available funds is sort of sucking the enthusiasm out of the trip-planning processs, but at least now we have a rough idea of what we're doing and a back up plan if our first idea doesn't work. Suddenly, I find myself in very high demand; everyone seems to want something before I go, but unfortunately, no one has any money to pay me. I'm not so worried about it, family is family, so of course I'll work for them as cheaply (free) as possible, but it's the amount of stuff too - as if they don't understand that my time is valuable or that I could conceivably have anything to do other than their stuff. I don't have a 9-5 job, so immediately, I have 24 hours a day of free time.

I'm a little stressed. I think a large portion of that is because I'm seriously considering moving to Jasper (or somewhere nearish to there) instead of just visiting and I haven't told anyone other than my family this yet. I won't decide for sure until Xmas, but I don't know. I just feel like I need to get away from here... but I think part of that is because, no matter where I am, I'm always looking for a way to escape my life... but now I'm freaking out because I'm afraid that if I go, my dog won't be looked after properly, or he'll just be horribly upset and do what he did last time I went away and spend weeks lying where my bed had been, looking sad. But he's too old to take with me, even if I was going by car or plane. Really, Loki is my hold up in everything. I can't stomach the idea of leaving him for huge periods of time... but if I could come home every three months or so, I think I could manage.

That's really it, actually. I hardly see most of my extended family now, and I can call my Gran and my Grandma from wherever. My Gran thinks I should be travelling anyway, and my Grandma won't remember how long I've been away anyway. My immediate family I'll miss, but we'll talk on the phone and send emails; there's nothing I can't cope with there.

K, well, I think my dish water is likely cooled enough to finish this load. Ugh, I hate dishes. Sorrry for the downer post; maybe the next one will be more cheerful.

Belated Lazy River Report

I should have posted this when we actually did the lazy river ride, but I got tied up doing other things and I forgot.

We were planning to make a big group thing of it this year, but alas, lack of monies made that next to impossible. As much fun as it might have been, inviting people over for a picnic that they supply, a modest supper and no real sleeping arrangements seems just a touch cheap - so Spooey and I went by ourselves.

We went a little longer this year, stayed in the water for a solid two hours and met some more rapid rapids than last year. Also, I discovered that there are parts of the river so deep that I couldn't touch. At one point, I got thrown off my floaty thing and ended up being dragged through the rapids with my arms wrapped around it for dear life.

Also, we saw a bald eagle, which was pretty effing cool, since I had no idea that they lived around here.

I think that's everything. Pictures will have to wait until we get our disposable cameras developped (as well as the one from last year), and then be posted... probably next year or something.

Mmm...

9:04, and already it's been a productive day. Sometimes I wish I were a morning person; I love the feeling of having done something before most people in my house are out of bed.

I woke up at 7:11 after having gone to bed pretty late [we were up watching the season finale of Dr. Who (!!!!!)], and I'm pretty sure I could have gone right back to sleep, but for once, I didn't try. I got up, got showered, shaved my legs to silky smoothness, because I actually time to exfoliate first, got dressed and decided to take Jethro out on the town. I spent five or ten minutes installing a completely useless side mirror which I got at the dollar store to tide me over until I can afford proper mirrors, then off I went.

Out on the town in this case, is a 4.5k ride that I completed in about half an hour*. So, now it's quarter after 9:00, and I've showered (even if I do have to do it again), gone for an almost decent length bike ride and updated my blog. Soon people will wake up and then, all things going well (*knock on wood* and all of that), there will be something involving a beach.

*This means that for the coming trip, I have to add a little over 3k/h to my speed, which considering I've been riding... oh, I'd say four times in the past probably four years, is pretty damn good.

Aaaah

That's aah like the noise Alfred makes after having a diet coke, not Aaaah there's a spider in my breakfast.

The weather broke last night. Stifling heat-death was replaced with coolness and lovely rain. In fact, my only complaint about this day so far is that all of the clocks in the house seem to be broken. I didn't believe the one in the kitchen that said it was five (am or pm, both quite unlikely), but I did believe the one in the den, which said it was ten (am)... I peeked at the computer only to discover it was already noon. Boo urns to that, I say. I want (need) to go for a bike, I'm just having some trouble working out where to go. I'm bloody hungry (The sheppard's pie I made last night made me really ill, so this morning I had a bite of the other kind, and now I still feel ill... which means it probably has more to do with the beef fat than with the little bit of cheese I put in the first kind).


Weeeel, I think that's it for right now. My dad has wandered off (bed?) and Rhiannon is watching stuff on the computer and if the boys are up, they're playing video games, though I don't think they've dragged their asses out of bed yet.

PS, the other clock in the kitchen just chimed 8:00

It is So Bloody Hot

... and so am I. I joke, I joke. Sort of.

Ok, honestly, though, this is ridiculous. I'm wearing shorts and a tee shirt and I'm drenched in sweat. I wish it would rain. A lot. Right now.

Ok, so clearly that doesn't work the same way as having goblins steal your little brother... there's a thought. I could kill two birds with one stone: stop the incessant playing of Guitar Hero and meet pre-ghoul David Bowie in shiny capes and the infamous grey pants. I wonder if it's any cooler in the Goblin City. It practically has to be, and even if it's not, they've always got that pissing-dwarf statue in the city square.

Clearly, the heat is making me go a little wonky. I would go and have a cold shower, but I'm cooking lasagne for people (people not me, thanks to cheese death).

Earlier today, I made what I am now calling Egg Nog Cookie Bread, which basically consists of eggs, flour, vanilla extract and sugar stirred together then fried in a pan. It was actually pretty good, considering.

I smell gasoline. My Dad must be back with his truck. Yep, here he is. God, that's a nasty smell. I was wrong. That's my dad in his car, which is apparently having trouble.

Ok, I think I'm going to ride my bike to the grocery store, out of bordom and starvation. Happy reading, twits.

I guess I can't call you that if I'm not on twitter. Whatever.

I'm Out of My Effing Mind

No, really, I am.

My brother Lincoln left in mid-June to go to Jasper, where he and Clayton have now (I think both?) got jobs. The plan, pre-lack-of-$, was to attend FanExpo and, at the end of August, bus to Jasper to visit (and to Field, and on to Vancouver). Now, because, as stated before, I'm out of my effing mind, my sister and I are planning to cycle to Jasper, then on to Field and Vancouver. Updates on our insanity to follow.

The Weight of Shadows

The Weight of Shadows

Author: Alison Strobel

Publisher: Zondervan

Publication Date: May 7, 2010

Paperback, 320 pages

ISBN: 978-0310289456


I don't generally read a lot of Christian fiction. To put that more accurately, until recently I hadn't picked up a work of Christian fiction since I was still babysitting my cousins at their house (the youngest of these cousins has just finished grade 9, the oldest, her first year of university). I don't have anything against religious fiction as a rule; it's just that I rarely have occasion to read it. With Alison Strobel's The Weight of Shadows, the occasion found me - and I'm glad that it did.

The first thing that struck me about this book was how quickly I found myself caring about the characters. Not because they're the most amazing, wonderful, likeable people in the world, but, actually, because they're not. The characters in this book are, really, just people. They struggle. They make mistakes, like everyone else, some huge and life-altering and others mundane and inconsequential, but all of them mistakes that real people would make. Throughout the book, and especially toward the end, I found myself silently cheering them on or telling them off and willing them to make what seemed so obviously to be the right choices.

By the second chapter, the importance of the author's faith to her, and the roll it plays in her writing, is evident. Regardless of my own beliefs, I found myself awed by her expressions of that faith, from the inner thoughts and feelings of her three main characters to the little (but heartfelt) prayers that they utter throughout the entire novel. Before the three seemingly insular story lines start to intersect, they're held together by these thoughts, feelings and prayers.

I can only imagine the painstaking research that must have gone into making The Weight of Shadows the book that it is. Strobel offers readers a detailed look into the life and motivations of a battered woman, the workings of a shelter and the emotions of people trying to cope with long-standing guilt.

The Weight of Shadows is an interesting study in faith, love and the interdependence of people, thoroughly researched and uniquely executed. I'm glad I had the opportunity to read it.

About the author:

Alison inherited the writing gene from her father, Lee, and grew up composing stories on everything from napkins to typewriters. Her talent earned her awards throughout school, a two page spread featuring her work in her senior yearbook, and even saved her from failing college chemistry. But it wasn't until she moved to California after college that she wrote her first full-length novel, and that's when God made Alison's oldest dream come true.

--From Alison's website, www.alisonstrobel.com



For more information about the book, the author or the tour, check out Alison's Blog.

The Other Shop

I forget how I found Skreened.com. Something I read on Twitter, I think. The FU, BP design was something I came up with while looking for components for a design Rhiannon had come up with and as soon as I thought of it, I had to try to sell it. So far, I've sold two, which considered my limited marketing, I think is pretty good.

Apparently, the guy on Twitter who started BPGlobalPR is donating the profits from his BP Cares shirt to clean up efforts (this is what I've heard, I don't want to put words in his mouth). You'd think that the world in general would be making more noise about the BP SNAFU, but it seems like an angry (albeit hillarious and informative) Twitter account and a few BP-hating tee shirts are about it for the Anti-BP movement.

That's all I have about that for right now. In a couple of days, my big brother and Clayton will be taking off for parts unknown (well, unknown to some people. I know where they're going). They're hitch hiking there, which makes me nervous, but they're going to be together which makes me considerably less nervous. Also in a couple of days, my little sister and her boyfriend get their first apartment (FINALLY). Also, my older sister is the maid of honour in an upcoming wedding and my youngest brother's elementary school graduation is in 8 days, so it seems like everyone has crazy fun stuff going on for the next little while. I'm tired from the activity going on around me and wishing I had fun stuff like this to look forward to at the moment.

On the other hand, Spoy and I have plans that end with us in Vancouver for a chunk of the fall, so I guess I shouldn't complain too much... of course, our plans are contingent on getting in to some medical studies (hooray for human guinea pigs!), but what can you do?

Ok, I think that's really it. Funny how most of this post has nothing to do with the other shop.

So,

For the first time in a while, I'm not posting something about BP's giant cock up. Actually, I don't think I can write the post I was planning to write. I guess that's the problem with blogs: anyone could be reading.

I shall write instead about the nature of forgiveness and my growing mistrust of men. Forgiveness is easy. I think this has to do with my (ever-dwindling) intelligence. When I was a kid, I was smarter than almost everyone I knew. That didn't last, but the unfortunate habit of assuming that all people are idiots never really left me. So I guess I really don't forgive people for their slights against me, so much as assume that they're too stupid to have helped themselves. This all sounds very arrogant, but I'm being very general here. And, honestly, a lot of people are idiots. I like to pretend that when I let something go, it's because I'm being the bigger person, but really, I think I just stop caring. I can't be bothered with people any more.

I wasn't always a misanthrope, but I am now. I was thinking about that today while I ate dinner, alone at my kitchen table. There was no reason not to have a sit-down meal with everyone else, but I didn't even tell them dinner was ready. I cooked enough for everyone then ate alone. I prefer it that way. I love my family, but I have trouble being around anyone for too long, and that includes them.

As for my mistrust of men... I get where it stems from, but I'm having a little trouble figuring out why it manifests the way it does. I used to be a free-thinking modern woman, the kind who was driven nuts by all the stupid stereotypes applied to both genders, the kind who saw people as people and wasn't terribly worried what pair of chromosomes they sported. Now, I find myself on the verge of full-on feminism, suddenly understanding those dumb broads who say things like all men are dogs. Any more, he only men I really feel 100% comfortable around (aside from close friends and family) are the ones I know I could physically overpower if I needed to. I like to know I could take a guy in a fight. How's that for messed up?

So, there we go, some unsolicited introspection from me, while I wait for my SVU episode to finish loading. I'm going to watch the rest of it, then head for bed, I think. Got to get going on those morning work outs again if I wanna be tattoo-ready by the end of the summer.

Not Out of the Woods Yet

It might seem like I have a bit of a one-track mind lately - and you know what? I do. Normally, I don't like to know what's going on in the world. I'm kind of known for how rarely I pick up a newspaper, for my total refusal to watch the news on TV. That's because everything that is deemed newsworthy by the media is awful and not something I want to spend my time thinking about. If this makes me intentionally ignorant, then I guess I'll have to own to that and move on, because nothing, not even this mess in the Gulf of Mexico, is likely to change my mind about the rock I live under.

I first heard about the oil leak a few weeks ago, when it had been going on for a while. My brother and our friend Clayton were talking about it as we headed down to the river, and to be honest, I thought they were exaggerating. The more I heard about it, the more I realised that they weren't, that the situation was every bit as bad as they said it was. Right before the whole thing with the beach and the dead fish, I did some research and was totally horrified by the crap BP was dishing out. I was also more than a little freaked about the debates going on online - and the fact that most of them seem to surround the question of whether BP will end the year in the red or in the black. The more I read, the more I became convinced that we're screwed. By we, I mean the whole planet. I don't think that any giant boats in China are likely to save us this time, with Chiwetel Ejiofor's help or not.

What's weird is that even though I really believed this was the end (and I don't think we're anywhere close to out of the woods yet), I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I haven't been writing, because all I could think about is that there wasn't any point, that I might not even live to see another book published. I've spent the past couple of weeks on autopilot, not wanting to put any effort into anything. That makes no sense, though, because I should have been running around, working my ass off to complete everything on the semi-formed bucket list I've had in my head for my whole life, instead of just going numb and crazy, not wanting to work toward anything and at the same time, making plans for a future I didn't believe in.

I found out about half an hour ago that the top kill thing (basically pouring mud into the oil well) has kind of worked, ish, that they've significantly slowed the amount of oil flowing into the ocean. Now, I have no idea if this is true or if it's just another big load of shit from BP, but when I read that news, I literally burst into tears.

Now I just feel inspired to do stuff. All stuff. I want to work out, get a good body so I can get a tattoo or 80. I've always wanted one, and the only thing holding me back has been my fear, not of the pain so much as that my future self won't like it. Well screw it... my present self is more important; my future self might not even exist. I want to get a job and be able to afford to live the way I want, I want to reconnect with old friends, and get rid of the unhealthy influences in my life. I want to climb Burges and go on multiple-day hikes. I want to find true love, which means I want to believe in true love. Right now, I want to do everything.

A Day at the Beach

I was really, really excited to go to the beach today. I'd only been swimming once this year, on a day when it was really too cold to be swimming, so I was looking forward to spending some time in the water, if for no other reason than to spend some time not thinking about the problems we're having in other bodies of water around the world *cough*gulf*cough*. We drove to Turkey Point, stopping at a nice little cafe for cheeseburgers along the way (I shouldn't eat cheese, I know, but I love it too much) and arrived happy, if a little confused by the relative lack of activity on the beach. We parked the car and by the time we reached the actual sand, the calm of the beach was starting to make sense; it smelled absolutely foul. At first, we thought it was just where we were, gasses from a nearby stormdrain or something, so we moved. We moved twice before we decided that no, it really was the water. No matter, we thought, we would just sit on the beach and enjoy ourselves and try to ignore the overpowering stench blowing in off the water.

There were these neat little birds by the water, all black with white eyes, and I decided that I was going to sneak up on one and get a picture, so off I went. The smell from the water was awful, but I figured I would brave it. The bird flew away before I could even get it in focus, but the closer I got to the water, the more I realized that the little bits of drifwood and garbage floating on the waves were neither driftwood nor garbage. They were fish. A lot of fish.

Combine that with the thick, purplish haze hanging in the otherwise clear blue sky and you have what I consider to be a fairly horrifying situation. Add the fact that thousands of barrels worth of oil are spewing into the gulf of Mexico per day, that given their history, the situation on any given day is likely to be 1,000 times worse than BP is willing to admit, and I'm pretty sure we have the first sign of Armageddon. Lucky us.

What's really awful is that I've had a horrible feeling about this whole oil leak business for days, horrible, as in: time to pack up and head for the mountains - and I've been telling myself that I'm being paranoid or overreacting or something. Then I get to the beach and see this. We really are all going to die.

I think I'm going to be sick.

My family has been talking a lot about the oil leak the past couple of days. It's almost funny to think that the world really could end in 2012. If they don't do something to stop this, we'll all suffocate.

They is kind of ambiguous term. They are the people who have some sort of grasp of science, some idea of how you would even try to stop something like this... and for some reason, the they that are in charge of - if we're being realistic - the fate of the world are the same dumb bastards who caused this in the first place.

BP. I don't care how much overtime they were offering, what incentives they were giving, if I worked for them, I'd have jumped ship as soon as I found out about this. As if it's not bad enough that they've pretty well doomed the planet, BP's spokespeople seem content to lie repeatedly about the scope of the damages they have caused and the liklihood that they'll be able to fix them.

BP's publicised* estimates are that the leak is pumping five thousand barrels of oil into the water per day. Every non-BP estimate ranges from twenty to over approximately one hundred thousand barrels of oil leaking per day. BP has managed to recover a huge amount of oil. 5,000 barrels a day, as a matter of fact. So how is it that the oil is still leaking? Hmm, let us ponder. Could it be because their 5,000 barrel per day leak estimate is a big load of horse shit? Yes, I think it could be because of that.

Oh, another fun fact. BP won't let any independent scientists collect data from the spill itself, because apparently, how much oil is actually spilling into the gulf is irrelevant - in fact, knowing might detract from the effort to stop the leak. Now, it could just be me being dumb and blonde and uneducated and female, but I would think that actually having facts about the problem might help them figure out the best way to stop it.

I can just imagine the heads of BP discussing this:

Sir, maybe we should let some independents look at this, so they'll know what we're dealing with and be able to help. Are you crazy? Then they'll know what a colossal cock up we've made of this. What else have you got? Um... we could see if we could drill that relief well we've been planning since last month. No, wait. Better idea. We'll drop a big dome on it. Wait, that didn't work? Let's drop a smaller dome on top of the big one. Wait, the exact same thing happened as what happened with the first dome? No problem, we'll fill leak with mud. No, better: pressurised garbage. Sounds good to me. Let me know if nothing works and the species is about to die. No, better just call me if you stop it.

So there we go. I'm pretty sure we're all at least mostly doomed. Time to eat drink and be merry, everyone; tomorrow you might be dead.

*there's a lot to suggest that their internal estimates are much higher.

100?

Apparently, this is my 100th post. I don't know; that number seems low to me.

I feel like I should be making it a 100 best post, or a look back at all the things I've blogged about, but iunno. Maybe I'll do that with my 1000th post or something. Right now I want to muse about why, after going to bed post-4:00am, I woke up at 8:00 and then couldn't get back to sleep. It's not that I'm not tired. I had nightmares half the night (or half of half the night, I guess), but I managed to get to sleep after the last one that I remember, so I know it wasn't them keeping me up.

I'm super sore from my workout yesterday. For some reason, the area where I go to work out was swarming with preteen boys yesterday. I don't know if it was a youth group or what, but 30+ boys decended on the equipment and the area where I stretch, so as a result, I didn't stretch properly, then had to run to keep ahead of them... and now I'm in pain. It's nice that they're doing stuff outside; I just wish they were doing it elsewhere.

There are so many places to buy Aigaion Girl online now. There's even one site that's renting it. This makes me incredibly happy. Also, I found out today that copies not sold direct from Amazon.com can take up to 60 days to show up in my sales history, so I could (in theory, knock on wood and all that) have sold copies that I don't even know about.

Also, in A/G news, I gave it to my sister for the tour and she gave it to her boyfriend, who gave it to a friend of his. Her boyfriend said he liked it, but didn't like the pacing, and then didn't elaborate, because he said my sister would glare at him if he did, so I'm still not 100% sure what he meant. So far, he's the only person I know of who hasn't liked it, so my batting average is still pretty high.

Now, I'm off to watch some SVU before people start trying to use the computer... at some point today, I guess I have to apply for a bunch more jobs, too.

Ugh.

It's nearly three in the morning and I'm still up, mainly because megavideo is a jerk and constantly decides after about 55 minutes that I've watched 72 minutes of video and cuts me off for half an hour. And because I'm addicted to Law & Order SVU. I've got maybe ten minutes before I can watch the rest of my episode, and then I'll probably try to watch another one because I'm a glutton for punishment.

In other TV related news, OH MY GOD, HOUSE! Season finalle was SO much better than the SPN one, mainly because SPN's was sad and House's was AMAZING.

I applied for eight million jobs today. Hopefully I'll get one.

OH! Apparently, William Shatner, Michael Dorn and James Marsters are ALL going to be at FanExpo this year. Holy fucking god, people. If I actually meet Michael Dorn, I'm going to go all squee and fall down. I'mna have to make a Worf chibi now... and prolly some extra Kirk stuff.

Also, I've found the place where I want to have the Aigaion Girl signing party... I just need $150 to fall out of the sky so I can rent it, and to possibly borrow some industrial water heaters from my Gran.

Ookie, come ooooon, SVU. I'm tired and I wanna go to bed.

Did I Say You Could Stop Believing?

I just realized that I completely forgot to write the rest of my update on May 7th, and now I have no idea what I planned to say. So, a new update:

1. I'm still sick, but not as sick.

2. Aigaion Girl is available in 8,000,000 (27) countries around the world.

3.The A/G WORLD TOUR (not tm) started yesterday. Moloch and the book head to Mississauga and from there, who knows? (you can follow the tour's progress here, here, here or here.)

4. My Twitter searched itself for Justin Bieber; I swear to God. I should have taken a screen cap; it was so effing weird.

5. I'm babysitting the office today; getting a fair bit of my own work done.

6. Now that we have Interwebz back, I plan to update this site and Devereaux Court a lot more often, starting with a rather lengthy post about gender bias in the book market.

7. I don't have this many things; I just feel like I should stretch this out to ten points.

8. The stuff for FanExpo is coming together nicely. I'm still trying to figure out how many books to bring.

9. I'm madly in love with my chiropractor.

10. I don't really have a chiropractor.

Don't Stop Believing

I'm listening to that song right now. The original. The Glee version has its merits, but it's over-referenced.

Anywhom, a quick update, while I'm waiting for my ride: I'm still sick, though not as sick as I was at my last post. I had been getting better, but I got caught out in a kick ass thunderstorm, and very, very wet. Now I think I've got a cold on top of my chest infection, but I'm fighting it off.

I spent yesterday making bookmarks and stuff for FanExpo, as well as working on the instruction sheet for Aigaion Girl's WORLD TOUR(tm(not really))... and now I have to cut this short because my ride's almost here.

Sigh

This may be fairly incoherent; I'm really sick and I'm fairly sure I have a fever, so making sense isn't exactly my strong point right now. I just figured I should update, since I haven't done that for a while.

Three more copies of my book arrived today. One will be going to Alison Strobel, an author who I'm trading reviews with; one will go to my public library, if they're willing to take it (there's a whole thing about that, which I probably should have posted when it happened... basically, they usually don't take self-published stuff); and the last will be going on a tour around the world, unfortunately, without me (check out aigaiongirl.blogspot.com for more of an explanation).

What else? I'm horribly sick, but I may have mentioned that already.

Rhiannon gets home today, which is cool, but I don't know when she's coming and due to the lack of mattress, I'm not 100% sure where I'll be sleeping once she gets here.

I really need to bathe and change my clothes, but it just seems like so much work right now... plus, to be honest, I'm a little worried that I'll pass out in the tub and drown.

Alright, I think I should end this here, because it's stopped making any sense (assuming it started out making sense). I'm trying to get myself to update this blog every day and Devereaux Court a minimum of every three days... right. So, bathing, then store to take back the movie, then bed, to sleep the rest of this sickness away.

Molly Dolly

As much as I've been complaining lately, about various things, I suppose I should really just learn to be grateful for what I have. For example, I have an extremely supportive older sister - and as a result I have an adorable Moloch doll, the first ever Aigaion Girl merchandise*. Rhiannon made him for me as a Happy Book Release present. Notice how he's holding an Apple and even has a little loincloth? So damn cute. He even stands up on his own. I asked her how she did that, when his head is bigger than his boddy. She said she 'just did'.

Also, as part of further release festivities, she dug through the liquor store for ages to find a cider that I would a) enjoy and b) be able to drink (along with my wonderful spontaneous inability to eat/drink dairy, I seem to be developing a sensitivity to sulphites. Hooray.). She bought four cans, so we could toast to my book release and to my first sales.

So there you have it, my sister the genious.

*Even though this Molly is (and will remain) one of a kind, he's the basic prototype for the Moloch dolls that we plan to sell at our table at FanExpo.

In other news, I've been working a lot on 200 Pages today. I think I've come up with a fairly unique story to go in the main story (there's another story inside that one. It's kind of confusing, actually)... I'm really looking forward to getting this one finished and published.

Also, I left work early today because I was sick. It was so weird, it was like I had all of the physical symtoms of drunkeness with none of the fun parts; my arms and legs felt heavy and tingly, my face felt numbish, and I could focus on anything.... I'm telemarketing and I couldn't even stay fully conscious long enough to dial a number... plus my vision was blurring, so I couldn't read my script properly and I'm damned if I could recite it from memory (it's a really easy script). Anyway, it loses me a night of pay (and possibly Friday's stat pay) but what can you do?

Anywhom, it's nearly 11:00, so I should probably eat something. Yay fooid.